My favourite living Baboon!

Probably the worst thing about my Grandma is that she spits on you a lot when she talks cause she lost her teeth in the war. So annoying! Thanks for nothing Grandma!
(That's her in the top right corner of the photo.)

Hair Today, No Man Tomorrow:

When I was 7, my Grandma (aka Babunia in Ukrainian, or as my brother and I lovingly refer to her: Baboon) was babysitting us and she was telling me some random story about God knows what while preparing dinner. But, I wasn't in the same room as her. I was in the bathroom around the corner brushing my hair because five minutes prior she had told me I looked homeless and that my hair was "ughhhh, I don't know, not good cut".

Usually it doesn't matter if you are in the same room as her while she tells you her stories as she doesn't normally require a response to anything because she just talks endlessly about anything and everything and could care less about what you have to say (I know I sound mean, but she honestly DOESN'T STOP), but this time she kept asking me something and I couldn't hear her. So, she told me to come into the kitchen.

I went in and continued to brush my hair while she told me some story about how my uncle George fell off the refrigerator or something when he was three and how I should probably not let my 4-year old brother go on the refrigerator. Thanks. Good advice. Then she asked me to hand her the potatoes, so I put my brush down onto the table and handed her the bowl.

All of a sudden she looked over at the hair brush sitting on the table, then at me, and with sheer disgust and conviction she says to me, her 7-year old granddaughter, "Keep that up and you'll never have a husband."

Old People! Good stuff... Guess I'll never have one of these guys!

Shucks.

High Schools = Not Cools

So, there's a high school across the street from my house. Since I've been 'working for the government' these past few months, I've spent a lot of time at my house 'enjoying' the company of these lovely teenagers. Here's a Pro/Con list about them:

(I wrote it down real quick on a pad of paper. Just kidding! It's just the popular font 'comic sans' which only gives the illusion of handwriting. Surprise! Also, I have put exclamation marks on the pros because they are positive and serious periods on the cons because it means I mean business! I mean... I mean business. Also there's a dynamic, slanted separation line because, hey! Let's have some fun!) Click on the list to make it bigger.


Okay, so they are all just Cons (which is what these children will all grow up to be anyways! DIS.) but whatever...

Here are photos of me vs them. I feel like I would win.

DEEP THOUGHTS - by Jack Handey

Back in the 70's & 80's, (and sometimes 90's) Saturday Night Live would air these "Deep Thoughts" by humorist Jack Handey. I found a book of these at a garage sale in high school and fell in love with his sheer brilliance. Here are a few random thoughts. I'm gonna keep posting more of them over the next few months. If you don't think they are funny then maybe YOU aren't funny. Just to reiterate, I didn't write these (I wish!). Jack Handey did.

http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handey


DEEP THOUGHTS - PART 1

"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."


"Before you judge a man - you should walk a mile in his shoes... that way - you're a mile away - and have his shoes."




"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."


"I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, 'Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?' or 'Do you have that $50 you borrowed?' Man, quit being so cheap!"




"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw."



"When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy."


"I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. 'You don't have to tell me,' I said. 'I'm off the team, aren't I?' 'Well,' said Coach, 'you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.' It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on. "


"Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you."

Ants Say Uncle

When I woke up, I went the bathroom for my morning "freshening up". As I walked in, I was surprised to find an enormous ant that was bigger than the size of my thumbnail. I didn't really put my finger next to it to get an exact measurement, but I feel like I have a good sense of size (take that boys!)

Anywhoo, I was disgusted by it's big, black, ripe-looking body so I threw a wet wad of toilet paper onto it (wet from water. This is my preferred method of catching bugs so i don't have to get close to touching them but I can pick them up without a man around). It never moved the entire time. Then I threw it into the toilet. I figured it was dead by now and drowned by the water and weight of the wad.

I washed my hands, then washed my face, then went to use the "facilities". To my dismay, the ant was now on top of the wad like it was his little island. How, I don't know. I guess they can breathe under water. So... I figured I might as well poop on it. And that's how it died.







Go to the link below for more info about ants!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ant

Excerpt: "Like other insects, ants perceive smells with their long, thin and mobile antennae. The paired antennae provide information about the direction and intensity of scents."

Oh well!