DEEP THOUGHTS - by Jack Handey

Back in the 70's & 80's, (and sometimes 90's) Saturday Night Live would air these "Deep Thoughts" by humorist Jack Handey. I found a book of these at a garage sale in high school and fell in love with his sheer brilliance. Here are a few random thoughts. I'm gonna keep posting more of them over the next few months. If you don't think they are funny then maybe YOU aren't funny. Just to reiterate, I didn't write these (I wish!). Jack Handey did.

http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handey


DEEP THOUGHTS - PART 1

"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."


"Before you judge a man - you should walk a mile in his shoes... that way - you're a mile away - and have his shoes."




"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."


"I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, 'Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?' or 'Do you have that $50 you borrowed?' Man, quit being so cheap!"




"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw."



"When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy."


"I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. 'You don't have to tell me,' I said. 'I'm off the team, aren't I?' 'Well,' said Coach, 'you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.' It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on. "


"Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you."